So this is the end of episode 11. Episode 12 will come whenever I can get my act together.

Choodles,
R

Interview tomorrow for full time position. If I get the job, I will begin a new episode.

I really should sleep, but I feel like typing.

Lord, I want to thank you for a lot of things:
- For bringing me brothers and sisters who share Your love with me
- For giving me another opportunity to go back to school.. and giving me a desire for it
- For a car that works well
- That I have a Christian family (you're still working on all of us, but I'm glad they're saved)
- That you've sent Ian to watch over me in ministry. He's awesome.
- That I can play guitar... and even though I always wonder what I'd do if my hands were chopped off, you haven't allowed that to happen
- For April, who loves me, and loves You more
- That you created me so I like vegetables, and other foods that people aren't too into, so I can eat other people's leftovers
- For Pastor Cory and his speaking wisdom into my life
- That I don't have to pay rent
- For saving me each time my bank account went negative (even though I freak out practically every time)
- For spicy food
- For giving me glasses earlier this year, through Carolyn
- For keeping me alive years ago when life was too crazy for me
- For putting up with me, when I don't put up with other people
- For not giving me more money than I can actually manage
- For the Leivers'
- For keeping my front tooth from falling out when I face planted on my razor
- For giving me opportunities to serve You
- For always giving me second chances
- For my laptop
- For the trials. I really hate them, but they're beautiful afterwards when I realize what You were doing all along.
- For my mom and dad... I still hear their advice in my head
- For my headphones. They sound really nice right now. I'm assuming I won't need headphones in heaven =) But they're useful at the moment
- For the worship conference earlier this year. It was amazing to be ministered to by you in that capacity, and now to desire for everyone I know to experience You as well.
- For the Bible. I need to/want to read it more, but thank you that I can trust it and live by it for everything.
- For the holiday season. Christmas lights are so pretty at night... Again - I'm sure heaven will be infinitely better.
- That I can now fit my jeans from Thailand
- That my classes this semester are honestly.... really really easy.
- That those who fear the Lord shall not want
- For Jesus, saving me, when I didn't deserve it... Who still displayed Your great love for me by dying on a cross, cleansing me of all my sins, and paving the way for me to fellowship with you again (which I learned today from Chuck Smith is the definition of atonement).
- That you hear me, and speak to me

grrrrrrr..........

3 cups of pho tai equates to more than 200% of your recommended daily intake of sodium. Bring it!

So I guess things are ok right now. A lot of answered prayers most def:
* city to city (at least mostly)
* april's job
* relationship things (ongoing)
* marriage & church
* the job search (not fully answered, but stuff revealed as to why I got no call backs)
* registering for classes

prayers to be answered:
* friends
* full time job

"Why" did these trials take place? I know the reasons for most of them. Still have more mental sorting to do.

OH MAN I'm not looking forward to next semester if I get a ft job and everything. I have classes M + W from 5:30pm to 9:45pm... and if I have a full time job - I'm gonna be wasted. Waaasssted. I know I savor my rest time sooo much (it's nearly an idol)... so I have to once again let go of it.

My internet died randomly (probable cause would be the rain... but I also can't recall the last time I paid the internet bill). I am typing from the dead.

I keep starting entries and not finishing them. I hope tonight is different.

Pouring rain outside, with two pellets of tylenol in my system, and a weird menthol pad stuck to my lower back... I ponder life - more specifically, internet life. At times I enjoy it, and at other times, I don't like it (or downright hate it). I'll elaborate:

I, like many, are quite dependent on it. I mean, there's email, chat, websites, social networks...

I have friends who find it difficult to peel themselves away from facebook. I remember back before I had facebook. People nagging me, "WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE..." Same deal with myspace when that was around. I've joined both since, but I still don't get that involved. I probably guard myself from it because I have a tendency to run from anything that's too mainstream.

But the funny thing is that yesterday at staff meeting, some of the staff were discussing how they had yet to join facebook. They had concerns about general identity theft, and also just being forced into re-connecting with people from their past they don't really feel like diggin back up. At first I thought that it would be a good experience for them to join... but now after thinking a bit, there's a beautiful innocence to being a "facebook virgin". To not deal with the social rankings, the publicizing of your life, the constant emails of things that really don't matter in life.

I mean, some parts of facebook are good. But I think in total, it kinda blows.

(internet still doesn't work. dang it!)

But in general... not just facebook (and I could spend a long time ranting just on facebook), there's a different life on the internet. I think a life that people get so sucked into, and thus (potentially) produces some real social retards (sorry, a little blunt, but it's true). In the end, I'm beginning to think that internet is really reducing the quality of real personal interaction with people.

I don't know when the decision happened, but I've never been into fair-weather friends. I know it made me think when I heard the verses in Proverbs about having friends who are closer than brothers (or sisters)... here:

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." - Proverbs 18:24

Amen to that. But honestly.... how did I ever live before this verse? It feels like on the rare occasion that I venture outside of this proverb, I get powned.

I know I have had a bad attitude recently. I want to admit that and ask for forgiveness. I feel embarassed.

I wish.... I could be better at.. loving people, while not getting hurt. But at the core of it, it's loving people without expecting from them.

When I lived with Toby and Paul, I know there was this constant back and forth tension. I'm sure it was entirely unnecessary. I'd get annoyed at one or the other, it seemed like it'd be in waves... and I think it was a lot of stuff that wasn't really that important and stuff that I could've had more grace about. We were all really good friends, and still good friends today. It was a first for all of us - living away from family.

(Ok, my geology teacher, I love him, but he's annoying me.)

But I know it was a great place for annoyances to arise. Oh, he leaves his towel here. He parks too close to my car. He ate my leftover food without asking. Whatever. The problems were small, but many, and I expected a lot out of my friends. There were some hard feelings when we all moved out, but nothing that couldn't be healed over time.

Fast forward to the Long Beach era. This is much more sensitive. My two main friends were Mikey and Dave. We talked a lot. We looked forward to hanging out week after week. We even helped each other through some harder trials in life (but honestly I think I comforted them more than the opposite... but maybe that was only my perception of it). But we began to disagree on bigger things. I guess mainly girl issues... and we both expected different things from each other in our friendship. I'm noticing now that we'd run into the same issues over and over again... to the point that I'd get sick of it, and I'd vent to other people about it. I don't know if he did the same, but I wouldn't be surprised. We'd argue online, or have these stand-stills. But when we saw each other in person, we'd act like everything was ok.. in an effort to avoid any real conflict (one horrible thing I'm noticing about the internet... it can be easier to have conflicts online, and then avoid them in real life). Eventually it caught up to us (or maybe just me) and I got fed up, and he did too. There were a couple of big incidents that occured (combined with other big events that were going on in my life personally) that kind of... ended it all.

(my stomach hurts. ugh)

It was as if it got to the point where neither of us was willing to work it out, and neither of us was willing to admit we were wrong (and I'm sure to some degree we were both right and wrong). It was horrible. Like this big build up of pressure, that we weren't willing to honestly discuss (we may have tried once or twice, but it wasn't very successful) that just blew up.

They were the first "best friends" I had made ever since Paul and Toby, really. I had placed so much comfort (and expectation) in them, that when all of that blew up, I just crashed. I stayed offline, I didn't answer phone calls... I just went to work and school and that was it. I had no friends and no contacts (as much as practically possible) for a few weeks, and... I guess... that was it for Mikey and Dave in my life. We haven't really talked ever since (except for one or two moments we ran into each other and it was awkward as ever). It was a total shutdown for me.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to have grace or just be more graceful about the conflicts... I mean, they were things that I felt needed to be said... and sometimes... it's hard figuring out if I should say something, or not say something. I mean often times, they would even ASK me, so it's more... how much do I say exactly?... or... even, how do I say it?

And now we have today. Nearly as much pressure in life as ever (... or is it just me?) and more issues with friends.

(My back is killing me, and my stomach has been weird. I just want to sleep.)

I just suck, don't I? I don't know if it's certain personality types that I really just clash against or ... maybe it happens when I encounter people that I really connect with on a surface level, but on the deeper level there are mostly differences? And I unconsciously expect them to conform?

Ok, I'm kind of irate right now.

So I was told over the weekend that there would be no work meeting on Monday. I was told that the office was closed on Tuesday. This confused me.

Monday I went in to pick up my paycheck. It wasn't there. This was a big pain in the butt for me.

Today I called into the office (which was supposedly closed) and it's open. I am told over the phone that we have a work meeting today in 5 minutes.

"Irritating" is a four-letter word.

Life is at its worst right now it seems. Condemnation is rampant, and I can't shake it off. God help me, it's just so bad right now. My back and leg have been killing me lately (especially at the moment). What can I do? Just when I thought things were getting better.... it's the opposite. So much tension from all sides... job, relationship, friends, church, school... closing up or running away is looking better and better. I hate this. A lot.

I still can't see the point in everything. How I wish I could.

Prayer was nice tonight. The word that God gave me was identity in Him. Makes sense. I haven't been prayed for like that in a while. Well, I guess I was prayed for a couple of weeks ago at accountability group... but this seemed... more spirit-led? And more... specific. Even while sharing tonight, I felt like they were really listening and encouraging me. I was sharing about just ministry things that have been going on over the past month. I was able to share things in their entirety (I'm used to shortening all my stories) so that was really nice. Seems like a lot of my stories are long stories (shrug) oh well.

I remember I used to make batch viruses in DOS back in the day. Incredible. I wanted to be a hacker back then, but I was only in mid-high school so that wasn't really feasible unless I had someone school me on it. I remember trying to come up with batch viruses that'd move around and delete things secretly... the goal was to bring down my high school. Why?... hmm... can't remember... haha... I remember they like, banned me from touching the computers in the library - and I'd get all mad and defensive about it. Sneaky little devil I was.

Air smells different when I'm on metabobek. Yes, I'm "on" metabobek. I'd like to say it smells fresher... I know I actually notice when I get a whiff of 0² in my nostrils. This can't be good for me.

So it's basically Guarana pills (much life caffeine), but it's not the same as caffeine. Caffeine makes me feel anxious. My gut feels funny. Metabobek just makes me jittery and more alert, but emotionally I feel fine. I take it before my 3 hour classes. I sometimes take it before I hang out with people, when I'm already tired. Hanging out with people when I'm tired (unless it's the closest of friends) just drains me more, honestly.

I can watch cooking at foodnetwork.com... oooOooOhhhHhhhh...

Suspension of reality. I wonder if movies are good/bad for me right now. I'm halfway through, and I feel really restless again. Not sure how to shake it off. There are a number of things I could be doing right now, but I just am not in the mood. No calls yet from any places that I've applied to.

I'm behind on ministry work and getting emails from people on it. Ugh... I feel useless. I've spend majority of my day lying around the house now.

'To do' list this week: learn to differentiate between what's rest, and what's just laziness.

I type in bed, but it's horrible for my back, neck, and wrists.

Is there a way out of this? Am I supposed to find a way out of this? Or just... leave things as is and get used to it?

My neck hurts. I'm going to try sitting at the end of the bed. I really need to clean my room and give myself a work surface.

It's like when I'm around people, it all just lingers there in the back of my mind. There's baggage forming. There's stuff I... don't feel particularly open to talk about, but is mentally inescapable at the moment. Sometimes I'm reminded of certain things around certain people, and sometimes it just bothers me regardless. I'm so lame.

Due to circumstances I'm not gonna use online chatting. I'm just not. The reasons aren't entirely formed in my head, but it's to keep my boundaries in the right place... .which is one of the reasons I'm typing here. I found myself processing things by typing to people, when it's kinda better for me to type or ponder things on my own first. I also just have a lot more free time now, so I'm gonna type here instead. It's just me talking to myself. yay.

I totally cannot get comfortable when it comes to typing in bed. Good night I quit.

I received my Disney Chase credit card with updated expiration date. When I called in to activate it, the rep. on the line told me that she waved pixie dust on it and the card is now magical.

I've applied at Old Navy, Best Buy, and Walmart. They all had long "do you know how to deal with people" quizzes. The Walmart one told me that I "passed" it, so that's good to know. My celphone is like gold right now. It's my bat signal. This is supposedly prime time hiring season so I'm trying to get on that. I forgot to turn in my timesheet last week (my, I'm good at that) so I think I have $5 a day for 2 weeks at this point.

Just finished talking to pastor George just about random things. Got me thinking... (he does that to me)... how much time we spend out lives on working on or thinking about survival. He was saying how, the older generations just aren't as active, and don't do as much because they feel uncomfortable or they spend more time just on upkeep of health. Is that the trend? I remember being a kid, and just not really worrying about anything serious. It was just going from one fun time to the next, really. I guess homework and school were the only "real" things to worry about.

There are a lot of more factors now... at 27 years old (I'm always embarrassed to say my age... why?) there seems to be more "reality" to worry about. The "worry themes" as of late have been health, work/money, and relationships. Is that everything? Have I covered the entire worry gamut? What's left? I guess family... school? Ministry? Well, those things don't feel like a walk in the park at the moment either. Am I being emo?

And yet, just a couple of months ago, life wasn't as much about survival. As if day to day life sustaining systems were on autopilot, and I just... was a kid? Focusing on fun time to fun time? It was nice not having to worry if I'd be able to cover the bills, and food, and hang out cash. It was nice even not having to think about the present but really moving into the future. Not like I don't think of the future now, but it was more of a hopeful kind of future. Right now it just feels sorta hazy, like I'm waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel, or that ray of sunshine peeking through thunderstorm clouds.

This morning I cracked open the Bible... it had a been several days since really getting into it. In everything that's been happening, I haven't been looking to the Word as much as I should. With what's been going on, it's like He's purging the idols... or even just showing me what I've been putting my comfort in. I've actually never really studied Job, so I opened that up. I'm not saying my life is anything like Job's life... but I know the theme is there: things taken away and God is left.

Am I just overreacting? What's strange is... this is happened before to some degree. For most things I know what I'm supposed to do (or at least I think I know). I know what my attitude should be. I know what I should/shouldn't be thinking. I know generally what actions I should or shouldn't be taking. And yet... in all of that, I find that the struggle is just doing that. Doing what I know is right. Thinking how I should be thinking.

Am I choosing to be the "victim"? Is this about getting attention or something? To have people just saying "awww... Ron. I feel so bad for you". What form of pride is showing itself through this?

But then.............

What about... sharing one another's burdens?

Greetings, greetings, and salutations to u. Yes, my name is ronald, yes yes. Have we met before? Hmmm... maybe? It may have been months ago, why yes.

So life has been generally wonderful. I shan't say I have anything to gripe about (especially since any gripe really, is a gripe pointed at the Lord Himself). But He has provided as always, and I've been able to pay down credit cards, fix mayhem at work, and slowly my life is being restored into a place that's... good? better? best? The big three are debt, school, and marriage. So slowly these things are getting chipped away at (some more slowly than others), but it's nice to see life progressing forward. Until now, things were kind of at a stand still... I'm reminded of days past, sitting in my apt. with no electricity and bills overdue. My how life has changed. Praise the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever.

April and I went to the Blue Bayou at Disneyland for our 3rd anniversary yesterday - very pretty, and... very overpriced. BUT, if money wasn't an issue, it was a nice experience. Well, money wasn't totally an issue since we had a Disney gift card to help us out =) so it wasn't too bad.

*side note* Most expensive meal to date I think still belongs to the Melting Pot in Pasadena (a bit over $100 for the two of us), which I think also wins for longest meal as well - a solid 3 hours. Eating and walking out of the Melting Pot is somewhat disorienting much like coming out of a movie theater after a long flick ("oh, it's dark outside now?... What time is it??").

But the Bayou is pretty, mostly from the lanterns and lighting above the dining. If you look out at the water where the boats pass, it's so dark that there isn't much to see, really.... I guess it's to hide the fact that there's just a painted wall a ceiling out there instead of a vast horizon and sky. And it was funny hearing people on the boats (who we affectionately titled "the commoners" or "the peasants") pass by and once in a while yelp or clap or try to get our attention.

Last leg of work left today, until I come back tomorrow from open to close. Part of me wonders how I plan on keeping up work at the music school, and for evergreen once my evergreen hours bumps up to 40/wk. I'll be making bank, but will our hero survive?

I want to spend more time with the lady, but it's been tough. And sometimes when we do get that one occasion to hang out, something will spark an argument, and then the moment is kinda ruined. She's been tired, and well... I guess I'm tired. I think it's not just tiredness for me, but also just a mental attitude. If I go into meeting her, ready to have hang out, cheer her up and have a happy time together, then usually it goes that way. But sometimes I'm not prepared, and I'm already kinda cautious of arguing, or careful not to stress her out or say something the wrong way... then it just happens anyway. I don't have any answers, but I just know I can at least watch my own attitude and mood when we spend time. That should go for both of us, really.

So I caught a cold over the weekend... right before I led worship on Sunday. So far I have a mild cough and my throat is irritated all the time. So this week has been really sluggish for me - it feels like I'm getting things done because I spend a lot of time just resting. I've been given three opportunities to lead or help out with worship recently, and I just feel like "no" for all of them.

Oh... and I can't really give details, but I've been on a journey of starting a ministry, really seeking the Lord about it... and oddly I found out this weekend that I was "cut off at the pass" sorta... so someone else is already starting the same ministry. I mean, if God gets glorified, then that's all I care about. That's really good. But... it's hard to not feel a little bothered by it, since I was never formally informed? I'm not really sure what this does to the meetings that I've been having either...

I mean, I'm not a fan of "blog venting" or"blog back-stabbing" or "I'm gonna make people look bad and myself seem like a victim, but keep it all really vague - blogging". In the end, it's a good thing, yeah? This ministry is going to start! God will be glorified! People will worship! Yeah... so this is where I float off to the side, like Mr. John the Baptist. I guess that's it... unless God has other plans for me.

It's kinda late (12:10am) but I feel like typing things. A lot has happened... and it's not always fun to type, but it's usually interesting years later to read about things.

So the car is fine now. It passed smog and everything and I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars (well, just a couple hundred). I'm waiting for the DMV to send me stickers, which is kinda irritating, cuz I don't know how long that's gonna take. A few weeks ago I got pulled over for expired stickers, but thank God I had my smog papers and everything on me. I just ended up with a fix-it ticket. That was the first time I'd been pulled over in a really long time - I almost forgot that wonderful sinking feeling that comes over me when them po-po lights come on =D

Star Wars? We played a couple times already. The first time rocked, and the second time... well yeah. It was... interesting. Let's just say the group was somewhat divided in motives, and there was some frustration... much like you'd expect in real life? Oh well, I just roll my eyes to it all. There's some interesting dynamic with the "family" lately, but it's nothing that a little grace can't cure. Yeah, it's funny cuz everyone started talking around the table about rage issues, and some interesting stuff came out. (My little brain wonders: "How much is ok to reveal in a public blog?") Things were all said jokingly, but it sounds like there are some issues still floating around that need dealing with. Again, I roll my eyes. God has His timing, and if I need to say anything.... I hope no one kills me.

I've decided that I hate all things wifi - specifically shopping for wifi hardware. Ok, so I like to read up on things before I buy them. I read reviews. Lots of them. Eventually I will stumble upon a product that will have unanimous praise written about it and then I'll go buy it. Well, with wifi stuff... it's impossible to do that. I've read specs on products that make pretty awesome claims, and no matter what someone out there has a review that says, "That product is full of crap". Like, Victor and I have gone through 3 wifi routers all around the $100 mark. All of them advertised to be waaay better than the one that we have been using, and yet... we had to return them all, cuz none of them could make the long trek across the church parking lot to our house. But this old junky router that we've been using, that review after review says is supposed to be absolutely horrible at long range, DOES reach our house.

???

So today I went out to shop for a network adapter, just to get one better than the one that came with my laptop. Same deal. Nearly $60 later, this G+ MIMO "super duper" adapter can't outpower the regular joe adapter that came with my computer. I'm totally baffled. I'm gonna need RPM after all of this. So now I need to go return my 4th wifi product tomorrow morning.

Uh... what else?

I got Asleep In The Sea's last lost album. OH YEAH. So I emailed Eli the drummer with something like this: "Hey dude, I want your last CD pretty please. I have money. Not a lot, but some." Long story short it came in the mail, and it's awesome. It's totally burned on a CD-R, and it has no song titles or lyrics or packaging, but it rocks my socks and shoes and bag of chips and whatever else. The moment I popped it into the CD player and cranked it you shoulda' seen me I was all giddy and grinning and bobbing my head around the house. Hmmmm... maybe it's better that you didn't see me. It's complex and unpredictable and full of harmonies and screaming - what more could anyone ask for?

There's been some talk about forming a band. I may have to be the initiator, cuz everyone talks, but nothing is happening. Everyone digs different musical genres, but ya know, whatever. I'll probably be the real weirdo in the group, writing all sorts of things that don't make sense. Yeah it figures: I'll start the band, and I'll be the one to break them up. Billy Corgan?

My car is getting fixed at the moment, and the car place has wireless. =)

Got to spend lots of quality time with the Arimas and chit chat about prayer and LS and things of that sort. We had a time to pray together also, just about whatever was on our minds. It was a good time of spiritual bonding. Oh yeah, and just before that we were watching stand up comedy, with David Spade cussing away and talking about drugs and sex. Yeeeahh... oh well. God has His way of redeeming things.

So I'm gonna try to get everything up on Flickr. Or well, a lot of things. It's long overdue, to where I can look at photos on my very own computer and be like, "Whoa, cool!.. I forgot I had that photo.. and I forgot that that ever happened..."

Oh yeah, the latest fad for me is Star Wars the RPG. It's nerdy-licious, and I'm reading it up and rollin' dice and reading about force powers and weapon proficiency etc. I used to play RPG's all the time when I was a kid... in fact I almost forgot about that *chunk* of my life. I used to come up with RPG's during recess time in elementary, and my friends and I would walk around and I'd just come up with random stories that they'd fight through. No dice, no paper - they just lived out and fought these scenarios and battles that I had all in my brain. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed...

But for the first time I'll be playing an RPG by the book. Cuz seriously, prepping for an RPG... wow... takes forever. It takes hundreds of pages of reading and a good deal of understanding and memorizing before play-time can happen. Little kids can't do that. It's like, "Where's the controller? Why does this game take so long to load?" Yeah. Immediate gratification... is not for O.G.R.P.G. But we're gonna play on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes.

God and life have been good.

No sabbath for me this week. I've been doing a lot of intense web work this week for NMS and Evergreen. A lot of working within the constraints/contexts of websites that I didn't create... and are not that impressive, really... really. I'd like to design both websites from the ground up, but it would suck up my entire life for a month or two... things to pray about.

I've realized that laptop... is almost always on. When I'm sleeping I have The Office running all night. When I'm driving I often listen to the music on my laptop. When I'm at a desk... my laptop is there.... always there.. watching me..

I've been listening to U2 an awful lot; on repeat, over and over again. I wish I could sing like Bono. When he sings I feel fuzzy and warm inside. He just has so much passion in his voice... as if he's singing every song like it's the last song he'll ever sing. Yeah... I have nothing to type about, so why do I force it?

My journal needs a goal.

Boy I spent a lot yesterday. I finally bought capture nx, after using pirated copies and 30 day trials it was about time I got my own software. Then I got April a nice life application niv bible... which set me back a bit. All in all a very fun day yesterday, but just too much money spent. I have to live it out another week and a half before I get paid again. Hopefully I can hold onto the cash longer this time.

Hey there.

So life has been pretty good. A lot of learning, a lot of shaping, a lot of craziness, but all very nice things I must say so.

So... where does one start? Um... how about where I left off. So I've been an intern for Evergreen since last June... I think i saw a paper today that said June 11th to be exact. That was also my last day of work at Disneyland as well. I am currently working in worship ministries and everything that comes with that, CD ministry, and mild web work (mostly maintenance type things). All the ministries have lots of room for growth... and there's a lot of freedom here at Evergreen. As time goes on, I'm getting used to the week to week things and hopefully I can start looking ahead instead of just staring at my feet.

I've also been working at Neighborhood Music School in Arcadia... it started off with just webwork, and now I do pretty much a little of everything there. I'm mainly doing web and printed flyer stuff, and I just started teaching some guitar lessons there, which pretty much terrifies me everytime I think about it because I feel totally unqualified to teach guitar. I mean, I can play guitar alright, but I feel strange for some reason teaching it for money. A father of a student I'm now teaching came up to me and asked, "So is my son going to learn about reading musical notes and things like that?" Yeah, my heartbeat sped up after that comment - I'm not very good at reading notes. Yes... horrible. If this all works out well, only God can take the glory for it.

I've been focusing a lot on my time and money management lately... which I pretty much stink at... which is why sometimes I'm overworked and poor (but I don't even notice it most of the time). I've been keeping track of my money on excel (for a few days now... hopefully it lasts) and I've been cutting back on ministries that are NOT my primary calling. Things have been really good... it's almost like I can breathe again.

I want to journal a lot more... I like sorting out thoughts and processing things. Sometimes journaling is the only way I can do that kinda junk. I'm also wondering how open I should be. I want to be blantantly honest.. but not so much that I get in trouble. Not that I would get in trouble, but... I don't want to type anything that would be considered "talking behind someone's back". Oh well - Lord help me discern what that means. At any rate, it would be nice to type something that's totally sincere, and will still be an encouragement to ... someone or other. Or at least entertainment for some.

Bedtime, goodnight.

Ugh, I forgot to do my chuck tapes today again...

i like to blog, but apparently i hate blog commitment.