Olan Rogers has this one clip where he mixes images and music to explain how his life is really not defined by time as much as memories and moments.

Scanning through my memory is not like a linear x vs. y plot. I remember it in morsels and chunks. Some of the "inbetweeners" miss my long term memory and are probably lost forever (which is where photos come in handy). Other memories are seared in. Some are nightmarish memories, some are pleasantries. Some I will re-visit, and some re-visit me. Most of the time though, these are the kind of life experiences that I look forward to creating... and recording.

Life as of late has been very day to day. I have specific hopes and dreams that are always up my sleeve... ready to dispense at any given moment. I get these strange ideas and fascinations very often.

I don't know what to do from here.

Sorry for the short entries (which makes this one more ironic):

Why do so many people have one line answers to life problems that are so obviously more complex than one line?

Bio 205 has been like collecting rain with a thimble.

Life does not feel real right now.

I wonder if the goal is to break patterns.

- Is it that (a) average american 9 to 5 life is repetitive and everyone knows it or (b) it's not repetitive, but I'm being impatient or something (or psycho). Or it could be somewhere in between the two.

Webster (1): a form or model proposed for imitation (4): a natural or chance configuration

Things have been weird. I can't tell if it's good or bad, but it's been weird, and my mind has been wandering a lot:

- sometimes I wonder about church activities... the way we run things. How it has to begin with songs, how it has to flow a certain way. It's funny how people will naturally sit down after a prayer is finished. Sometimes I wonder about lifting hands during worship, or holding them open at my sides... I know I've learned to do this from watching others, but since worship is an expression and response to God from the heart... I wonder why I would raise my hands, because outside of the context of church, it's not something I would feel any need to do. I wonder if God really adheres to schedules, and routines - or if these are in place so it's more comfortable for man, or a good starting point if we are unable to feel immediate callings on what God wants us to do at any given moment.

- after about 3 years, I am no longer an intern at church. On Saturday night, I was talking with April and Aimee about random memories from my season as intern... and it was difficult to think of the positives. I am definitely appreciative of the work that Kyle and Ian invested in me, but outside of that, there were some very distinct trials that I had to overcome (or overcame me). I thought I generally had closure from those things, but after what I heard myself say on Sat. night, I'm thinking no. And I'm really not sure if these are things that need to be talked out, or if it's just stuff I need to let go of. I also don't know yet how much this is affecting my walk, or my perception of the Lord.

- I wonder about the repetitiveness of "status quo" life. I wonder about working, and schooling, and ministry. I wonder about meeting with friends and people. I wonder if this is "normal". If this is generally it.

I've dumped.
I've been dumped.
I've cheated.
I've been cheated on.
I've played others
and have experienced the emptiness from it.

Thankfully God redeems. The specific ways He wants to do that are not clear yet, but there have been moments.

This week is my last week interning at Evergreen - will be moving onto classes on Monday at Long Beach.

Day after day... one thing after another. The same thing after the same thing.

What would it be like to just... leave? Probably just another state. A busy city? Or somewhere slower?

If we get rid of most/all of our stuff, and there are no "things" holding us down, is there any longer a reason to stay?

Yeah, been kinda busy. Is it possible to be both busy and lazy?

Sure.

April and I have been exercising more (between jogging and home cycling) in an effort to run a 5K or marathon. But we all know that the real goal here is to be able to eat whatever we want without fear of health/weight issues. But honestly, it's something that neither of us has ever pursued before, and it's fun to try new things together. There's a good chance that we may run this 5 miler that's called "Conquer The Bridge". The run goes across the Vincent Thomas bridge in Long Beach... sounds like more of an "experience" than just a run, and that's exactly the kind of thing that April and I are usually looking for.

God has been sprouting about all sorts of interesting ministry opportunities: photo, college, and evening worship service are the most prominent ones. It's funny thinking that God is going to move me out of my interning season, which should be a lighter load in preparation of schooling - and yet all of these new things are popping up.. all things that I am definitely passionate about, things that I in some way or another have been waiting for... so what's that about? It's perplexing, I tell ya. Honestly though, it's all good stuff - but God is obviously wanting me to ask Him for more discernment and trust in Him in this coming season.

Related topic: long term wise I think God is also going to bring big change to our living situation. I really don't know what or why, but for some reason the Lord has us living in a very temporary mindset. We're trying to get rid of things. We're trying not to buy anything that will be difficult to move. It's strange how April and I have one mind about all of this - like we just know that something is coming. Maybe something soon, maybe something later, maybe the rapture (which could be sooner or later).

And again with cameras: D50 -> Beyonce (cell phone) -> VQ1015 -> Chinon Harinezumi -> AE-1 Program -> Nikkorex 35-2 -> Sony P200 -> Panasonic LX3 -> Canon S90..?

What's the point? Is God doing something here, or am I just retarded? What was the point of all of that?

I was reminded last night to not do what I do to please people. Pleasing people is a nice side-effect or by-product, but is not the end all. Hopefully pleasing God would be the goal.

Life has been thick and juicy and pulpy and chunky homestyle. In other words: eventful.

But even chunky homestyle can get stuck in your teeth, and without a proper toothpicking device or floss, the chunkyness just becomes funkyness.

Friends. "Friends" is the chunky word that comes to mind. I'm reminded of the realization I had a while back that the greatest blessing in life is my family and friends... while they can equally be the greatest source of pain in life (not counting particular visits I've had to the dentist).

I'm reminded a little bit of the great friendship fallout of 2004 (or somewhere around there) in which tensions grew and I just gave up on everyone. It seemed like the only solution at the time was to go ahead and burn all the bridges and start anew. I don't know if that's what I should have done in retrospect, but I only know that that moment in my life has done a lot to carve out who I am now.

Those were very different times and circumstances, and I was a very different person back then.

Regardless, two questions come to mind:
(1) how much value should we place into friendships, and
(2) what values make up a "friendship"?

Today I could not spell pheonix or lepoard.

A couple weeks ago, April and I went to Crate and Barrel to buy a wedding gift for the Nakamuras. We had a coupon that gave us 10% off our entire purchase, so we tried cruising around the store to see if there was anything else that we might want to buy for ourselves. It was difficult. There's a lot of nice stuff there, but it was hard to rationalize buying anything out of "want", when we really don't need any of it.

This past weekend April and I kicked off the beginning of our traveling episodes by staying two nights in the heart of downtown LA, and taking a 5 hour tour through downtown and Hollywood.

We loved it.

The architecture, the signs, the food, the people - all of it. I have a feeling that the whole weekend has renewed our interest in southern California. It seems that the thing we really enjoy is just culture and history. Some cities have it just oozing out on every block, and other places seems so manufactured and cookie cutter - almost like a facade... (me thinks of Orange County) ...it's refreshing to feel like you're part of something that's... real?