5/20/2012 - what's next?

5/5/2012 - fresh air

There are seasons when I have things to say and then there are seasons when I've got nothin'. I think I'm a bit in the latter.

I ran into all of these lovely videos by Jenna Marbles on youtube and fell in love with the frankness of it. Not only is it hilarious, but there's just a brutal honesty to it that I admire.

Lately... I guess from being just straight out busy with crap all day lately, I've not invested in any of my personal stuff like typing here, or flickr photos. I've been slowly getting back into flickr, but I find that I have the hardest time getting in touch with that charming randomness that I usually enjoy about my own stuff, thoughts, etc.

And then I struck myself, and realized that this sort of "creative block" may be the re-return of that oh-so-cancerous thing that I call "pleasing others". The behavior is quite unconscious, but now I gather that it's just human nature. But falling into that trap just stifles my thought processes, and I slowly start to hate my own ideas.

Sometimes I have this other mental block... like things just don't matter. For example in photos - I'll go through my stuff and just feel like, "meh." And I think it's (1) because I've taken so many photos that it's hard to see something "new", and (2) a lot of crap just sounds pointless to me, or without real purpose. This seems to really hold back most of the stuff I conjure up, or when I see other people's stuff.

I remember... when I was younger, having these phases where I'd just think that most things weren't funny. Like, I knew it was funny to someone, but it just didn't elicit any laughter from me. What's odd is that I totally was aware of it too... like I was intentionally screening what things I could or couldn't laugh over. And then there were other times when I'd just laugh at most things and that was that. When or why I'd go between each phase had no rhyme or reason.

Maybe I can just will it =)

I love to love my work? Is that weird? (no) I love to just create things, and enjoy the things I create. If people care or not, whatever, but the authenticity is all that matters. I love having something to say, having an outlet, and communicating it the way I see, or envisioned it.

4/27/2012 - almost done

I have this secret fear that the scale we have at home is low on batteries and has been reporting a weight that is lower than reality, while I've been slowly gaining weight over the months. I don't think this is the case, but I still wonder.

While hanging out with Jason last night, he was able to call AACCS to book his appointment. I really pray that God will bring a new change into his life.

3/12/2012 - hmm a lot

Church ministry and work piled onto one sandwich, it's hard to make solid bites into it. Sometimes I feel like I want to roll up my sleeves and dig in, and then when it's time to get on it I start to wimp out and resort to indirect procrastination methods - doing things that are semi-productive, but not highest priority. I hope to at least get things to be more settled at work, which seem to be the most straightforward to complete.

3/11/2012 - We fear change

This weekend we got to check out Nick's Cub Scout graduation into Boy Scout-ness. Their rite of passage was to cross over a small wooden bridge that they had constructed and placed on the front stage. Even though the idea of it seems simple from the outside, it really does symbolize an awful lot. I never got to be part of any "scout" activities, but I'm glad he's taking part.

Work has been busy as ever - very juggly. I have a possible chance of moving from my engineering position into a project managing position. At first it seemed like a kind of risky switchover to even think about, but as it's sinking in, I'm beginning to look forward to that opportunity. It's not far from feelings I've experienced before - getting promoted to lead positions, getting hired into better jobs... thinking about it now, my track record has been about 3 years per "position" before something changes. Nickel Nickel, CSULB Bookstore, Disneyland, Evergreen intern, Neighborhood Music... I suppose my internal "job clock" is ready for the next big thing.

This week the tele tone knob went from nothing to inductor to capacitor to 5-way varitone. If I count the resistor toggle, then my guitar now has 4 x 2 x 6 = 48 sound combinations. I guess it's more like 24 - counting the toggle may be cheating. Some of the varitone settings are kinda wonky, creating a bit of analogue fuzziness. Played clean it's not that nice, but with overdrive it kinda works. I still do want to get that huge maladroit melt your face off crunch tone... this may be the right direction.

3/8/2012 - It is time for stormy weather

Oh what a day what a week. Been juggling training materials + LRDCOM work + other in-office randomness + answering a few beachbody questions.. then today got a slightly discouraging ministry email which I wish I never saw. I had another moment of just blankly staring around for a while, letting the brain cool off. There could be a possibility of a PM position change in my future, but I won't hold my breath and leave it to God to decide. It is exciting a bit, I'll admit that I'm one who likes change now and then (especially when the current season seems kind of dry).

I called Amy Gee and she sounds interested in helping with SOW admin... I guess the rollercoaster is going to come over the hill soon.

I want to move into a season of more writing, less photography, but I need to have less lazy. I promise to write more often than just when I'm in a pissy mood.

BTW the new pot is in the tele and it sounds like bacon.

2/28/2012 - Smoking Pot

1 meg pot let's see what happens.

2/14/2012 - This bottle of Steven's awakens ancient feelings

I just took a sleeping pill. Let's see how long I last.

So it goes something like this:

Circa 2003, my ex was cheating on me. We continued to live together for about a year. I'd call that probably one of the lowest times of my life. So low that I learned lots of bad habits during that time... I can't say that she is the cause of those things, since ultimately I'm responsible for my own actions... at any rate, it was just a dark, dark time. I'm not sure how anyone can really prepare to know and trust someone for 8 years, and then suddenly lose that trust.

I'd say I battled with two or three big issues during that season. One issue was the question of how to best deal with someone you love who won't take help or advice (I still deal with this on and off). I suppose the person could either outright reject the advice, or maybe they agree with it, but don't have the ability or will to apply it. It was grueling for me to watch my ex slowly disintegrate from lack of sleep, ulcers, canker sores, and caffeine dependency. But beyond physical health, it was worse trying to tell her not to leave me, and for me to eventually accept after many lonely nights in bed that it was better if I just didn't wait for her anymore.

The other painful issue that I'm starting to realize (which manifests itself to me today, but in different forms) is having someone in your presence, visible, tangible, audible, whatever - but underneath, this person is emotionally absent. I'd talk to my ex, but I know she was intentional about separating herself from me. Conversations became shorter and shorter. We spent less and less time connecting about our thoughts, our ideas, our days. Soon I could see her, but in some sense she really wasn't there for me at all. I don't know if I ever really learned to "cope" with that - she just moved out after about a year.

Today I am experiencing these same feelings, just from different triggers. God, I need your help. I never thought I had wounds this deep from that time of my life, but I know it's better to dig them up now than never.

Just found this from a post 8 years and 2 weeks ago: "What a big mess. DAMN IT. The wounds are deep inside, but they're still there." - 2/1/2004

zzz

12/26/2011

Still haven't absorbed that we'll be in Thailand in less than 2 weeks. I hope things go well.

Every day has been pretty uncertain. It's hard to plan anything, because if I say I'd like to do something together, it either doesn't happen, or brings on some kind of guilt trip. I know from counseling I'm supposed to pose it as if I will go on my own, and April can join if she wants to. That usually also leads to guilt-tripping, or just leaves me feeling like she doesn't want to spend time with me anyway. April has been randomly sick everyday for weeks now - I don't blame her. I just really hope it gets better.

Sometime in November 2011

I just had this dream..

Feels like we were wrapping up a class or something.. like I was at a high school. There was a girl next to me, who I recognized in my dream as a younger student, but I don't recognize her in real life. I was able to reminisce back that we went to the same PE class. I have this odd snippet memory in the dream where she is sitting on the gym floor, trying to move by bouncing backwards.. without using her hands (I know, random). I was an older student in a younger class.. so I didn't really talk to her. I almost had feelings of regret that I didn't talk to her. Not that I was attracted to her, just more about my own shyness, and lack of friends.

But this was more important: there was a man talking to us... like giving us final words of wisdom. He was talking to her first, and then he started to give me his words. At first I felt like someone who had just cut into the conversation on accident anyway so I didn't expect him to have any advice, let alone even know who I was.

He paused a moment (I felt that he wouldn't have anything to say anyway)... and then he told me that I have many dreams. He described it to me in a beautiful way... and then stopped and asked me what ISO I use on my camera. He guessed at some different numbers. At first I thought I was hearing him wrong, since talking about cameras would be completely out of context.

So I asked him if I heard him right, which I did. Then I answered by saying that I use auto ISO... between 100 and 3200 (funny that I was able to be that true to reality in my dream). He gave me a sort of "ahh.. makes sense" look.. but before he could finish his thought, he was sort of rushed away. He was sitting in a car, and people were honking at him to move.

He then seemed very agitated and then started to drive away. I started to chase him.. wanting to hear (or at least give him a chance to finish) whatever he was going to tell me. Eventually I lost him. That's how the dream ended.

I woke up today.. and finally remembered who the man is in real life. He was one of my department managers when I was shooting at Photopass. I'm still unable to recall his name (I keep thinking it's Alex, but it's not.. at least I know there was another Alex already). He was our liaison manager between us and the character department. Very tall, sorta greasy hair.. the one thing (of very few things) I remember about him was that he taught me the about the term "suspension of disbelief", that was important to help maintain for guests when working at Disney.

I find it oddly coincidental that I just had a dream... about a man telling me to reach for my dreams (goals), who taught me about people living out dreams (believing in an unbelievable situation), from when we worked at the place where "dreams come true".

I remember once Stephen Miyabe telling me about a generational curse.. that stops people from completing their commitments or goals. I felt led to create this proverb.. The key ingredient for turning any dream into a reality: responsibility.

9/6/2011

Hmph: tired and no one nothing to talk to. I hate when I am trying to help and it ends up that I made things worse. I don't want to be bothered by this, but I feel like it happens so often and so unexpectedly that it always hits hard. It's always so confusing and unpredictable to me that I just want to shut up. I'm not sure how to always deal with this, I never really get to explain how I feel, it ends up being a game of me supressing my side of things and somehow acting like I'm not hurt at all.

I feel like there's no way to deal with things when it starts going downhill. The only thing I can do is avoid it.

I'd love to go home. It's hard to breath.

7/7/2011

Hi again: It's been a while and I really miss journaling. I've been pretty immersed as of late in photography and have been posting much on flickr... even though I promised myself to keep as much personal content on site as much as possible (the idea being that if anything where to ever go down with flickr, I can always count on my own website being easier to backup etc. etc.)

New Orleans: We just got back a few weeks ago from our service trip. It was... all sorts of things. The actual service part was incredible. I'd never been on a missions/service trip like this before, and I think I now understand a bit more about what it means to help people where they are at and not just sending money/resources from far away. New Orleans is just something else - there's a trail mix of history that just exudes from the city through its food, architecture, and people. I don't even know what I'd do with myself if I lived there. I think for the first few weeks I'd probably just sit there and stare.

vs. California: I still can't get over what those people in Louisiana have been through... and how it affects who they are. I think about the very few *major* disasters I've witnessed in my life and how people will rally around one another. People will ask for help, people will help people, people will actually pray. Again I wonder if people are much better off having trials than just cruising through perfect weather (literally and metaphorically speaking). Because of that I don't look at Southern California and think, "Man, I'm glad to finally be back!" Oddly.. I just feel spoiled here... like I need to realize that the blessings I have here are a privilege. I do wonder a bit when the next big earthquake is going to come to CA. I don't particularly want it to happen, but I don't really dread the thought of it either... I just wonder how God would use it to get our attention.

A bit... bored: I'm not sure what it is, but the past several days I've been in a bit of a lull. In a nutshell, I'm not exactly sure what to be excited about. I know it sounds strange and I assure you it is.