Today I woke up around 5am, cuz I went to sleep really early out of boredom. While wading through my internet bookmarks this morning, I browsed through different peoples "blogs"... reading back and forth, past to present. It's interesting to see how their stories slowly come together like a puzzle.. and how sometimes they don't. I ran into one blog in particular - I don't even know who's blog it is or how I got the bookmark in the first place - some specific event happened in this persons life, and she became very depressed and disconnected herself from everyone for a period of time. I'm not exactly sure how she got over it all (I may have missed an entry somewhere in my skimming) but she got better over time.... I can't be exactly sure of why, but it seems that everyone in their youth has to go through some transition. For some it may be less significant, for others it may be violently dramatic. It may be that from high school to college years, there are on going changes, like moving out, finding/changing jobs, learning to make decisions etc. But I think more significantly underlining all of the external changes could also be internal changes causing tension... either a person changes and doesn't belong in their group anymore, or everyone else changes, and that person doesn't follow the flow. At other times... it might be that no one has changed, but their true colors show at some distinct event... which is when you find out who they really are, or who they really aren't. There are so many moments in my life that I never want to forget. But to be totally honest, there are some that I don't want to remember. Unfortunately, those memories are burned into my brain, and there are still events that I need to make sense of. I think it's more true that a person should do their best to reflect on the past, and make sense of it all and even learn from it, instead of excusing it in anger or just burying it away in regret. I know that God has a lesson for us to learn in every experience we have. I still have all of my past journal entries - dating back to early 2002. They're all still here on this site actually, they just aren't linked up (I apologize for that, I'm sure you're just DYING to read about my past). I also have some dreams that I typed about, and also some typings that never even made it onto my site, but are just sitting on the server collecting "net dust". When I read through my old writing now, it sounds anything from embarrassingly ignorant to fun and silly... but there's this one period in my writing that's very painful to read. It makes me wish I could travel back in time and be there to comfort my past-self. To help him make the right decisions, and to tell him that there's hope. Today I am a different person from it all. I know I can't go back into the past, but I know I have a future. And as for the present, I hope I can help those around me who need it - those who go through the things I once had trouble with, or the things I am working on now. To quote something I've typed in the past: although it's sometimes necessary, no one likes to go through life alone.

chooser